Sometimes Starting Over Just Sucks

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[Just so you know–bleaching and dying blue streaks into your hair should definitely be a two-person job. After all the work I put in I was supremely disappointed to see that only a few faded bits of blue showed up.  I’m going to try again another night when I have several hours to kill.]

I think I should start seeing another therapist.

The thing is, I have seen 6 or 7 therapists over the past few years, and none of them for more than a couple of months, max.  There were a couple I “fired”, but most of the time I ended up moving away before we could really get into anything helpful.

The thought of finding someone new, of having to tell my stories again, to re-explain everything and get us to a point where I feel like he/she knows where I’m coming from so we can actually start…the thought of doing all that again is exhausting.

It’s the same thing with making friends.  After 14 moves, I am just tired of starting over.  Tired of the weeks or months of “get to know you” small talk you have to wade through in order to even start to connect with someone.  Tired of making really great friends and then leaving them behind.

I hear the saccharine refrain of “Bloom where you’re planted!” echoing cheerily in my head, and I want to snap back, I’m tired of blooming!  I just want to keep my roots to myself and hang out in this pot.  Is that okay?  Can I just do that?  Do I have to make a rainbow out of every damn rainstorm that comes my way??

I probably should have given up pessimism for Lent.

 

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Does anyone else just want to do this all day, every day sometimes?   😉

 

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Life Lately, Bullet-Pointed

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We’ve been making much use of the Nutri-bullet my mom got us for our birthdays.  We’ve had a Ninja for a few years and it’s great, but not so good for making single-serving smoothies, or things like hummus, salad dressings, etc.  I have an old food processor that I’ve been using for the smaller jobs but it left many undesirable chunks in the finished product.

Speaking of birthdays, Silas turned 28 yesterday!  We went to see Divergent and ate a billion Chewy Sprees during the movie.  I couldn’t feel my mouth afterward.  (Divergent was definitely not his pick but he said it wasn’t as cheesy as some of the other YA-type movies he’s been forced to watch.  I say, two thumbs up and I really liked who they picked for Tris and Four.)

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We found a few new parks (and the library!! best day ever), and, first impression? Everyone here is so friendly.  I’m already having a much different experience than I did in our last place.  Women have gone out of their way to talk to me and a few have even given me their numbers and said we should meet up.  FRIENDS, YOU GUYS.  FRIENDS.

We were only in our last house for about 8 months but I never really ended up making any friends.  I was really lonely (mostly my fault, I guess) and felt so isolated.  Here, we live close to everything and it seems like people are just extra-friendly, even at the grocery stores.  I’m really grateful.

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I’ve gotten lazy as my hair has gotten longer, and haven’t been trying as many new hairstyles as I did when I was desperately growing it out.  I used one of Kate’s tutorials today, and it turned out super cute.  Not that you can tell from the fuzzy picture.

 

Well, that’s all the nonsense I have for you guys today.  Heather out.

Peace.

 

 

 

Be Back Soon!

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Right now I’m swimming in boxes.  My lovely parents graciously offered to take the boys for a couple days so that Silas and I could do the moving and unpacking.  It has been a much more arduous and time-consuming process than we expected it to be.  I swear it’s never taken this long to get settled into a place before.

Yesterday we learned that twelve Krispy Kreme donuts and two lattes is too much for two people.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, we ate it all…but we regretted it.

Speaking of regret, I am once again deeply regretting my decision to keep all of our dry goods in glass jars.  We seriously have more than two dozen of them.  Let’s make a short list of things you should avoid having if you are going to be moving every year or so:

Glass of any sort–it’s time to retire your mason jars and wine glasses and accept the life of a plastic-cup toting nomad.

Fragile decorations, including decorative mirrors–you know what makes for a lovely living space?  Fabric.  Just drape it over everything and stick it on the walls.  It’s easy to pack, not breakable, and not heavy.

And speaking of heavy–Just get rid of all of your furniture.  Bookcases, dressers, bed frames, dining sets–throw them all out.  All you really need are a few cushions in the living room and a mattress on the floor of your bedroom.  Embrace that minimalistic, eastern aesthetic.

Get into weightlifting. We somehow managed to get everything in and out of the truck by ourselves, but not without great struggles on my part.  I am definitely the weakest link.

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We’re going to need a couple of days to settle in, but I will be back soon with words of wit and wisdom.  Or pictures of my cats.  You know how it goes.

New Beginnings

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[p.s. the beer box has drinking glasses in it, since it came with these handy little inserts to hold them in place and hopefully keep them from shattering everywhere.  just so you know.  we’re not wasting valuable moving trailer space on cases of cerveza ;)]

Okay, so here’s the latest on the apartment saga (because I know you are all riveted): the place that I thought I’d found fell through.  I did the application, paid the fees…and then got a call the next day that “Ohhhh…well, it looks like somebody else has already taken it…”

I’m not going to lie, I dissolved into tears right there on the phone.

Later, Silas asked me if I had asked the leasing specialist if they had any other options for us and I was like, “No, I was CRYING TOO MUCH TO TALK TO HER.”  

Anyway.  So I once again started searching around, calling places…and on Sunday morning, one of them called me back!  They had a 3 bedroom (a 3 bedroom!!! thus far we’d only looked at 2 bedrooms) in [the upper upper end of] our price range, and it was available right now.  So we went to view it, and medium story short, if everything goes smoothly we should start moving in this week!

Even though this place isn’t nearly as nice as the one we almost got, I had a really good feeling as soon as we arrived yesterday.  It feels comfortable, quiet, safe…and right.  So, fingers crossed.  (And I’m sure your fingers are all crossed just because you’re sick of reading about my moving drama.)

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So now I’m drowning in lists…I need to get a new driver’s license (after 3 years in Arizona…it’s time.  I still have my Utah one that I got when I was 19 and it expires next week), cancel utilities at the house, set up utilities at the new apartment, return my pile of library books (but not before I write down all the titles so I can check them out at our new library, wherever it may be), etc etc.

Moving always inspires me. (Fun fact: this is our 7th move since we got married almost 6 years ago.) I succumb to the arrival fallacy and think that everything is going to be so much better with a fresh start.  I start making all these plans–I’m finally going to have daily, weekly, and monthly chore schedules, meal plans, scheduled learning time with the boys every day, we’re going to cut out all screen time completely (ha!)…basically, I’m going to be amazing and on top of everything.  Even though I haven’t managed to do any of that for the last 6 years, moving to a new place will bestow upon me great powers of organization and motivation!

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I know from past experience that most of these plans won’t stick, but that doesn’t stop me from making them.  Right now I’m in the beginning stages of drafting up a loose curriculum for homeschool (which I’m hoping to start with the boys this year…they both have late birthdays so I’m going to hold off on starting them in Kindergarten, which gives us the perfect opportunity to give homeschooling a shot).  And any of you who know me in real life are probably laughing your asses off that I am going to attempt homeschooling.  But hush yourselves and let me try.

I am also planning to make quiet time bins for Tesla, since he is moving away from taking naps (but I still needneedneed them), as well as chore lists for myself and the boys, a morning and evening routine chart, a flexible weekly meal plan…

Silas just shakes his head when I go through these phases, but I think by now he has learned to just sit back and watch.  You see, when I’m on, I am ON.  But these spurts of brilliance and energy are usually short-lived.  I realize this, but I guess I hope that if I draft up some loose routines, they will be able to carry me through the times when I’m…less able.

So here’s to dreaming and planning and schedules and routines and order and cleanliness.  Here’s to new beginnings.

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What gives you the “must improve everything right now” bug?  Is it strictly relegated to December 31sts and major life changes or do you get antsy with the change of seasons?

Packing the Shack

20140307_094002[photo credit: my four-year old]

After much trial and tribulation (or so it felt like to me), we may have found an apartment.  I put the application in last night, now we wait for approval and such.  Good thing, too, because the moving date is now next week.  WHAT.

I must give mad props to my mom, for accompanying me yesterday to look at more places and dealing with my moodiness.  When I have too much “people time”, it drains me like nothing else and I completely shut down.  So after about 2 pm, she had to endure a lot of me sitting in dead silence, just staring ahead at nothing.  By the time I got home, I just felt numb and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark cave and hide from everything.  Introverts, you feel me?

SO, today I’m trying to packpackpack.  I always find it difficult to pack ahead of time, because there are a lot of things you still need to use up to the actual moving day (food, dishes, clothes, toiletries, cleaning supplies).  Plus, Silas has to stay in the house a week after the boys and I move out because he will still be working at an office here–so I have to be careful not to pack and/or throw away things he might need.  (I am so bad about throwing things away–it’s like an addiction.  I get a high from getting rid of things and it pisses my family members off to no end.  I can’t count how many times I’ve heard, “Hey, where is that thing that I—HEATHER, DID YOU THROW IT AWAY?!”)

 I will say though, the agreement stipulates that the house needs to be in “broom-clean condition–free of all trash and debris”–which to me means that I don’t have to work my ass off scrubbing the walls and such in hopes of getting our deposit back.  THREE CHEERS.

I hope you are all having a lovely Friday and that your weekend is full of exciting plans that don’t include tape, cardboard, or sharpies.

 

In Limbo

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It’s almost midnight but my mind is too occupied to shut off.  We’re looking at more places tomorrow.  I’m so sick of thinking about it right now, but I think I’ll feel better in the morning.  Right now I”m tired but I can’t fall asleep because I had too much caffeine when I was packing this evening (so productive though!!).

The boys were so eager to help.  They followed me back and forth and tossed things into boxes (that I had to rearrange or take out when their backs were turned), and eventually I redirected their energy into box decorating.  Silas was awesome and took them to the park for a few hours, so I got a ton of boxes packed.  It felt nice to take some tangible steps toward the move.

So many things are up in the air right now.  I’m not overly worried about anything, I know things will work out.  It’s just that my mind loves to dwell on unanswered questions and play out all the possibilities, so I’d like to put some of these issues to rest.

Anyway.  Life is good.  Really, it is.  In so many small and large ways, God has taken care of me, even when I don’t deserve it.  This is definitely going to be a year of growth for me, but I’m not dreading it.  I think it will be good.  I hope by the end, I will have lessened the gap between who I am and who I want to become.  I’m starting to get an idea of who that woman is and she’s pretty badass.  😉

It is highly likely that none of this made much sense.  I will try to refrain from midnight-blogging in the future, but I make no promises.

Love and good vibes to all of you.

 

 

The Search Continues

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[that little blur to the left of my hand belongs to one of the boys, who took turns incessantly ringing the doorbell to the vacant house]

I had a long, complain-y post about house/apartment hunting drafted in my head…but lucky for you guys I don’t have time to write it today (due to the aforementioned ongiong house/apartment hunting).

I’m going to drag the boys to yet another look at an apartment after breakfast that looks promising…keep your fingers crossed for me because I am so done with this.  (Also, we found out yesterday that we have to be out in two weeks…so the sooner I find a place the better.  You know.)

Going from a 4 bedroom house (with a backyard…sniff) back down to a 2 bedroom apartment will be a wee bit of an adjustment.  But I’m staying positive.

You know how I’m so good at that.

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Love you guys!  Hopefully I’ll be back soon with news.