He left today. I cried.
I didn’t think I would, but I did.
It’s not like we’ve never been apart before. I know how to be alone. I’m good at taking up a king-sized bed all by myself. But he’s never been gone for more than a couple of weeks.
This is going to be more than a couple of weeks. It hit me this morning, as I was watching him leave. I think I’ll settle in, and it will hit me again in a month, when I realize he’s not coming home (yet). Not for a while.
I can’t pretend to understand what military wives go through. They have it so much worse. Silas will most likely be able to come home for a weekend in October after I have the baby. After that, I’m not sure if we’ll see him again until May. It’s possible, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Dashed expectations are what fuel the fire of misery binges.
Today marks six years of marriage. That’s decent, right? Neither of us is particularly inclined to romance or sentimentality, but I was thinking about all the “milestones” we’ve hit over the past several years, all of the “if we can just get through”s. All the times I thought things would get better, easier, after:
-I graduated massage therapy school
-I had the baby
-Silas passed the MCAT
-I had the other baby
-Silas graduated college
-podiatry school applications were in
-pod school interviews were done
-the first (“hardest”–HA) year of pod school was complete
-Silas passed part one of the board exams
-second year of pod school…third year…
Every single time we hit one of those, we thought, “Whew! I’m so glad that’s over!” As if the mountain was behind us. (Spoiler alert: THE MOUNTAIN IS NEVER BEHIND YOU.)
And now he’s embarking on his 4th and final year, traveling around the country doing month-long audition rotations. After this, things will get easier, right? Ah, but then there is boards part 2, residency applications and interviews, residency itself (3 more years, baby!), finding a job, getting settled in his career….
So I guess things never get easier, not permanently at least. They definitely get different–that, you can count on.
So for traveling this long and winding road with me, for trekking up and down all of those damn mountains, for going through hell and back and not giving up every time the next gigantic peak emerged in front of us; and for being the husband and father and man that we always need…
I love you, Silas.