My mind is so full right now. I’ve been in full-on Plan and Change Everything About Myself and My Life mode and I can feel myself starting to burn out, slowly. I don’t want to collapse and crash and lose all of this momentum and goodness I’ve been building up, so I need to take a little break. I need to chill out for a bit, to occupy myself with something light and easy and unrelated to my life. Maybe I’ll veg out and watch tv tonight, because even reading right now feels like it would crowd my thoughts too much.
Do you ever get like that? Do you ever get so inspired or interested in something that you readreadread everything you can get your hands on about it and think about it constantly, and then at the end of the day you feel like your mind is swirling with words but none of them are making sense anymore and it’s just so crowded and busy in there and you just need to escape it all and not think for a while?
I don’t mean to make this sound more dramatic than it is. Good good good things have been happening, and I have lovely plans for a bright future. It’s just…a lot. A lot of ideas, a lot of words, a lot of thinking.
Lists and sketches and more lists.
And yet, in spite of all my excitement and the mental chaos that is currently occupying my headspace, today was a day of really peaceful moments.
There was a morning walk, lunch out with Dad, lots of stories. There was Tesla starting a load of laundry for me (by himself!) and both boys doing their own dishes, and using sharp, real knives to chop fruit for breakfast with no injuries. There was me, finally slowing down for a moment, and letting them help.
I made tortillas today, and the boys helped me roll the dough into balls. The dough was the perfect consistency; slightly tacky without being too sticky, and moldable without being too airy or too dense. It was practically mess-free (which is good for people like me who are still easing into the “messes are okay” mindset), and the boys, as always, loved helping and contributing. I showed them how to form the little dough masses into balls, and they were bursting with pride when they showed Silas their creations.
I don’t lead a terribly busy life, in terms of outside commitments. The busy, rushed feeling in my day is usually self-imposed, and my jumbled, scattered thoughts and need to do things just right and checklist of things I want to get done are setting a tone and pace for our daily life that I don’t really like.
As I’ve been thinking and planning lately, I’ve realized (once again), that I really need to slow down. To slow down and read a story or play rather than trying to tick off all the boxes on my mental agenda. To slow down and see my kids, and really be with them.
I’m not going to do the “childhood is short, so treasure every moment!” bit, because it is and it also isn’t. I just want to feel peaceful, and peace isn’t something you rush toward at full speed.
Peace, to me, is a quiet, focused, present mind. Peace is dealing with things as they come, and not regretting past mistakes or anxiously trying to avoid future ones. Peace is that elusive centered, tuned-in feeling.
Peace is slowing down. I can do that.
Well, this is not at all what I had in mind to write about today, but these are the words that came pouring out. If they made sense, good, if not, you’re a saint for reading anyway.
Love to all of you.