Up and Down


Sometimes I wonder how many times I’m going to have to keep pulling myself out of these ruts.  For a few more years until I finally get it all together?  For the rest of my life?

I was doing okay for a while, making it through the day and managing to write and blog almost every day (which does good, good things for my sanity).  I wasn’t exercising or planning meals or trying to get us into a daily routine because I can only do one thing at a time or I will get overwhelmed.  True story.  This is the year of writing–not the year of exercising or healthy eating or traveling or awesome parenting or perfect wifeliness.  I have one goal and one goal only.  I like to keep up a nice steady rate of underachievement.

But I can’t seem to keep my shit together for more than a week or so at a time.  I get into a decent routine and things are moving along and then BAM–this train is derailed. I had a few Not Good days this past week (on which I do not care to elaborate at this time; it’s too fresh right now–je suis désolée).

But I had a nice little bout of euphoria that lasted a few hours yesterday morning, so that was a treat.

Some days everything feels like too much work.  The monotony of every day after same day seems unbearable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore.  Anything.  Everything.  Nothing.  Let me be done, gone, just evaporated so I don’t have to think and feel and be here like this.

And then some days I feel so capable!  Positive!  The future is bright and look at all these things I am going to accomplish!  Let’s play!  Let’s talk about everything!  Let’s clean the house and go to the park and do messy activities and cook ALL THE THINGS!

Consistency has never been a strength of mine.  I guess all I can do is keep taking it day by day.


Are your efforts steady or sporadic?

5 thoughts on “Up and Down

  1. Heather I’m sorry about all the mood swings and inconsistency. It’s really hard for me too, and I suspect that a lot of people deal with the same thing and just don’t say anything. But I like some of your solutions – how this year is the year of writing and that’s it. That’s all you can handle or all you care to handle because you know you’ll get overwhelmed if you try to cram everything else in. For me, this is the year of intuitive eating. I used to do it so naturally, but now food almost always on my mind; therefore, I eat a lot more. I also eat for almost every emotion. Sad? Food. Happy? Food. Irritated? Food. Bored? Most definitely food.

    So I’m trying to go back to the more natural way of eating, i.e. eat only when I actually feel hunger. And so far it is not that awesome. Hunger HURTS, and my mouth is so bored all the time. But! It’s what I’ve decided to do for the year (hopefully), and that’s pretty much it. Working out, volunteering, churching, etc. are all optional while I try to work this thing out. And that’s just okay.

    It’s also just okay if you sometimes can’t pull yourself out of a rut. I think that trying to force happiness or activity is actually pretty harmful. “Fake it ’til you make it” should be illegal, because it implies that the emotions you’re currently feeling aren’t important. And they are important, even when they come out of nowhere. You’re important too, even when (especially when) the bare minimum is all you can handle.

    • F*** mood swings. Mine aren’t as bad as they were in high school at least, but when they do hit really hard I’m like “WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I had some really good days and now I’m back to feeling just irritable and tense and “off”. It’s not like I feel horrible or depressed, so I feel like I should be happy with it. But I woke up this morning and was like “I AM SO CRANKY AND EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG AND TIGHT AND I MIGHT EXPLODE. JUST WARNING YOU, WORLD.”

      Have you read any good books or blogs on intuitive eating? We should talk more about it sometime. I was doing well for a while but I’m really struggling lately, especially on high-symptom days (IBS). I guess I have the mindset of “if I’m going to feel crappy anyway, I might as well eat everything I can get my hands on.” Bleh. Of course that doesn’t help AT ALL. Surprise.

      Love you Marissa. Happy Thirsty Thursday! 😉

  2. Ugh, get outta my brain. This week was kinda disheartening because we all spent so much time fretting and celebrating the idea of SNOW in Statesboro…and we were so bitterly disappointed. I know we are lucky that we didn’t experience anything as cataclysmic as Atlanta, but snow passing us over entirely was deflating nonetheless. With that seemed to come some snippy feelings of bitterness and depression at the house and I was not on my best behavior.

    Last week experienced some major ups and downs as well…one day I was very very glad that my boss was out of the office all day because I spent the ENTIRE DAY crying at my desk because I was so intensely disappointed in myself for having less-than-saintly feelings about an announcement that should have made me happy for the announcers. Even though I had already chilled out and found the feelings I was meant to have, I kept beating myself up for the rest of the day for having those bad feelings to begin with. I felt such intense shame and kept berating myself for not being a bigger, stronger person. Why couldn’t I just be like those other people who I know must always feel the appropriate feelings for the appropriate circumstances?

    I was fighting with Michael two days ago and I finally just broke down and whimpered while sobbing “Why does it seem like I screw up so much more than everybody else?” He answered (as he always does) “Because you are so hard on yourself.”

    I don’t know if it eventually gets easier or if I’ll always feel this way. Sometimes, as you said, it seems much brighter and easier and more exciting. Sometimes it’s like I’m plunging deeper and deeper into the rabbit whole and there is no extricating myself. One day at a damn time.

    I have been focusing on one major resolution, too! I am determined to learn a ton more crochet patterns this year. I struggle with reading written patterns but there are some really great tutorials on youtube and I have learned 4ish new patterns and made my very first blanket since the New Year! My small victories.

    I love you, and I love the way that reading about your struggles helps me feel slightly more at ease with mine.

  3. Emmalyne, it sounds like you had a really hard week. I am so sorry. Michael is right–you are very hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for having feelings that aren’t “appropriate”. I’ve struggled with being jealous or even bitter/angry when someone made a happy announcement, and I felt like a total ass. There are still people that I have these ugly resentful feelings towards for NO REAL REASON at all, and I avoid talking to them and looking at their FB stuff because I know it will flip the “bitch switch” in my mind.

    I don’t really know how to handle those situations, except to acknowledge that my feelings are valid (even if I feel like they aren’t), and then give myself a mental hug for at least *wanting* to feel happy for them. I think recognizing that you want to have the “appropriate” reactions/feelings is a good enough step for now. Maybe you’re dealing with some personal stuff that makes it hard. And that’s okay. I try to be as real as I can, but I don’t think that putting on a smile and saying, “Wow, Congratulations, that’s awesome!” even when you don’t feel like it is necessarily being insincere. I think it’s just shielding people from whatever personal shit you’re going through that’s affecting your feelings; and you’re under no obligation to share all that with them.

    You are a crocheting badass! I can’t wait to see some of your projects.

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