Sometimes I wonder how many times I’m going to have to keep pulling myself out of these ruts. For a few more years until I finally get it all together? For the rest of my life?
I was doing okay for a while, making it through the day and managing to write and blog almost every day (which does good, good things for my sanity). I wasn’t exercising or planning meals or trying to get us into a daily routine because I can only do one thing at a time or I will get overwhelmed. True story. This is the year of writing–not the year of exercising or healthy eating or traveling or awesome parenting or perfect wifeliness. I have one goal and one goal only. I like to keep up a nice steady rate of underachievement.
But I can’t seem to keep my shit together for more than a week or so at a time. I get into a decent routine and things are moving along and then BAM–this train is derailed. I had a few Not Good days this past week (on which I do not care to elaborate at this time; it’s too fresh right now–je suis désolée).
But I had a nice little bout of euphoria that lasted a few hours yesterday morning, so that was a treat.
Some days everything feels like too much work. The monotony of every day after same day seems unbearable, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Anything. Everything. Nothing. Let me be done, gone, just evaporated so I don’t have to think and feel and be here like this.
And then some days I feel so capable! Positive! The future is bright and look at all these things I am going to accomplish! Let’s play! Let’s talk about everything! Let’s clean the house and go to the park and do messy activities and cook ALL THE THINGS!
Consistency has never been a strength of mine. I guess all I can do is keep taking it day by day.
Are your efforts steady or sporadic?