I’m in a rut.
Now you are saying to yourself, “How can you be in a rut already? We’re only 3 days into the new year!”
I don’t know. Maybe part of it is because it’s the new year. I have all these aspirations (we’re not going to call them goals because I can’t even handle new years resolutions right now), all these things I want to do and to be and I just don’t think I can break out of my mold and make things happen like I want to.
The naive, optimistic me is having dreams of morning yoga bliss and organized, activity-filled days and busting out a first draft and oh, maybe also learning guitar.
And the realistic, pessimistic, please girl, i know you me is saying HA! Since when do you ever stick with things? Since when have you ever accomplished anything?
It’s one of those days when I just can’t focus, when I’m bored and restless and pacing the house because what else is there to do? One of those days when I’m so stuck in my head I feel like I’m living behind a foggy wall and my kids have to tell me something three or four times before I even realize they’re talking to me.
And of course that makes me feel like a shit parent because living in the moment! and making your children feel heard! and intentional parenting! and homeschooling! and also everything on pinterest.
So we’ve been wandering our way through the morning and there has been a lot of fighting and more tv than is ideal and I keep finding myself leaving, finding reasons to be alone in my room, avoiding. I’m irritable and just bleh and I have no reason to be.
[though it may have something to do with the baggy, stained-and-sleeves-cut-off t shirt and completely useless sports bra I’ve chosen to adorn myself in on this fine day.]
I talked to a friend recently about a possible job opportunity and then I realized today there is just no way it is going to work out right now. And that’s a little disheartening. I want to feel useful, to be contributing, to have my own money that I made because I have the skills to do so and because I am so valuable that people pay me to do stuff.
Instead I sit here, while my kids are whacking things with sticks, typing out a post that I know is definitely self-centered and probably whiny and also possibly unreadable. I never thought I would say this but I miss being in school. I miss the feeling of accomplishment, the ego boost of a good grade, the playful banter and actual social interaction with the guys and girls in my classes. I never realized until these last couple of years that even introverts that absolutely adore being alone can benefit–thrive, even–from a little social interaction. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that other people can still find you interesting and beautiful and funny.
And yes, I’m grateful that I can stay home with my boys. I love them and I’ve always wanted to be a mother. And I also realize that I’m romanticizing school and work. I know it’s not super fun and fulfilling all the time. (Or ever?) But I’m just having one of those days, so spare me the lecture on counting my blessings.
In my restlessness I keep checking social media, which is stupid because every time I click onto Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest or a blog I get that little uncomfortable clench of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. That voice in my head that looks out for me says Avoid! Avoid!
If I were someone like my husband, who is in medical school and runs marathons, I would force myself to exercise, do something productive. Instead, I’m me. I could not feel less motivated right now, and I really have no interest in forcing myself to do something that I don’t think will change anything. Maybe I should be more proactive about changing how I feel, but I also know that this will pass. I just have to wait it out.
And believe it or not, writing this nonsense out actually helps a little sometimes. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret it about 4 seconds after I hit publish, I like to write. I like to talk. I like to listen. There is nothing like the feeling of connecting with someone. So I guess, in lieu of being able to do that right now, I will share my thoughts and feelings on the internet.
Because that makes a lot of sense.
Am I the only one that’s not super fired up about new beginnings, fresh starts, and what an awesome year 2014 is going to be?